Dreamt last night that I went back to prov, and everyhing had changed.. They took down the new building, they added a bunch of playgrounds, and it looked more like a summer camp than a college. So I met larisa, SJ, and loreena and we were gonna meet somewhere to go swimming. I didn’t bring my suit, but loreena said it was okay. My suit was in the car. Then we had to walk through the campus: there were jungle gyms and tree houses.. We got to the edge of a forest and had to walk down a path. The swimming pool turned out to be a hole in the forest. So we fell asleep beside the swimming hole and the next morning, we were gonna play baseball against the city team. Yeah, just the four of us. SJ brought our baseball clothes, and prepared a plan. But she made the plan out of something like jello. But it was sturdier and not edible. And the baseball fields weren’t yet ready to be played on.
It’s weird that I’ve been thinking so much about suicide recently. I am not even close to being suicidal, but the books one reads and the music one listens to really does impact one, no matter what anyone says.
I recently read a book called 13 Reasons Why, about a girl who decides to kill herself. She explains why in thirteen tapes, and sends them to the people who star in her stories.
I also downloaded a beautiful yet terrifying song by rihanna called Russian Roulette. The song tells of a woman who is playing the game Russian Roulette with a man. She’s terrified yet can’t back down. At one point she says “it’s too late to get back the value of her life.”
It’s so hard for me to imagine how deep a person has to go to think their life has no value. Doesn’t every life have value? Whether it’s a family member, a friend, an aquaintence or just someone who’s seen you a work and doesn’t have the balls to talk to you, someone cares.
Actually, I’ve almost been there. When the kids at school stopped being my friends, when my dad died and my family almost fell apart, I thought about it. When I got my driver’s license and drove on the highways, I thought about crashing “accidentally on purpose”.
But there was something was keeping away from actually doing it, whether it was a sense of duty towards my family, some purpose God has for my life, or something else, I can’t be sure.
And I got out of that alright. My family turned out alright, and God has blessed me abundantly.
There is always a way out. Never think you are alone or that there is no way out. If you are brave enough, you can make it through.