resentment

There is so much to be resentful about. To God, for allowing sin in this world; to my dad, for dying when I was so young; to people who have hurt and betrayed me; the list goes on.

This morning, my 2-year-old nanny boy was yelling at me to stop talking when I was trying (calmly, I thought) to explain to him why he couldn’t play with the CD player’s plug in his room. I put him in his bed for a time out, and left thinking that I had two choices.

1) Stay angry and make the rest of the day miserable;

2) Get over myself. Realize he’s only almost three years old and didn’t yell at me because he hates me.

After seeing these two choices and their consequences so clearly, I realized how deeply resentment affects us. Recently I had a huge argument with my roommate, and it doesn’t look good for our future. We have been friends for almost eight years, but I can’t foresee a future for us anymore. In the midst of our argument, I could only see two options (because although I was willing to compromise, she wasn’t, so it was all or nothing):

1) She would resent me; or

2) I would resent her.

Somehow, it is easier for me to deal with my anger towards her than having her be angry towards me. I hate the way our situation has turned out, and either way it would have been difficult. What’s done is done, however, and I have to deal with the consequences (a.k.a., do what I said I’d do), and work through my emotions. I am consumed by frustration (for not being understood) and anger (for how she talked about me to other people by not telling the whole truth to people she told the situation to, thus making me out to be a tool).  I have two choices.

1) Be like Saul, and let me resentment and anger destroy me.

2) Be like David, and let God bring me through this.

It’s important to remember that forgiveness doesn’t mean you have to submit to the offender again. It doesn’t mean you have to be best friends with them. Yes, you have to be kind (love your enemies, anyone?), yes you have to treat them with respect (everyone deserves respect), but that doesn’t mean I have to talk to her, be friends with her on facebook, or anything. I will keep my distance, and hopefully it won’t effect my social life too much (it has affected two of our mutual friends, as they took her side and the three of them couldn’t understand my position).

But if I let resentment towards her (and towards the aforementioned two friends) build up and consume me, I will lose my joy and contentment that I once held so dear. Maybe this is why I have been struggling in the joy department this past year. Maybe moving out and being free from her will allow me to blossom again.

What’s done is done. I have to let it go, or I will lose myself. I have to say goodbye, or I will keep resenting her.

oh, my life

Why do all life changes seem to happen at once? Since I started being a nanny, there have only been a few major life changes up until mid-February. I started Japanese lessons, winter came… nothing else really comes to mind.

And then. February 12. I consider this the first of many events that are shaping my future.

After church, I was chatting with some friends, and my cell rings. It’s my family. Odd, they know I don’t have a long distance plan. Oh, what’s that? Grandpa died this morning? Well then. Off to the airport Sunday evening to go to his viewing, and returned on Tuesday afternoon. It was good to be there with my family, and although it was expensive, my family did help me out a bit. I’m so glad I went.

Two weeks later, I went to calgary to see stephanie and go to a conference. I wanted to go mostly to see my friend, and secondly to see a new city and expand my horizons. I wasn’t really looking forward to going to the conference, but carl medearis was a very encouraging speaker, and what he talked about was the next step in what God has been teaching me about being in relationship with him.

Two weeks after that, my sister came to visit, and it was so nice to see her. She arrived on Thursday, we spent the next three days together, and I could tell that we were going to get in a huge fight soon. But we both realized that it wasn’t worth it (especially because she was only going to be in town for a couple more days!), and carried on.

I took Susan to the airport to catch her flight home, and I was so lonely on the way home. I got home, checked my email, and found out that I was on the team to go to Uganda! So, July 29 to August 11 will be spent in Africa (!!), helping the Ugandans with..life. My dream will be fulfilled! And then, I found out the flight to Uganda goes through amsterdam, so perhaps I could spend two weeks after Uganda visiting my distant family over there! This is going to be an interesting summer!

Four days after that, I went to Ottawa to visit Dana, montreal because I could, and Toronto, for my grandpa’s funeral. (this trip has definitely made it into my “TOP3 best trips. Ever.”) I actually had the courage to ask my uncle to tell me some stories of my dad and grandpa, and he obliged. It was so sad to hear them, but healing, nonetheless. I haven’t wanted to ask in the past, because I’d probably start crying.

And in that last week, my nanny family has said that it would be too complicated for me to work with them next year, so I need to find a new job. I applied to Red River College to study ECE, and am also going to move out of the Kelly House. (To Flatlanders Inn or Mona’s place.)

So, last week, I thought I’d be working on the green team at church this summer, and then working with my nanny family, travelling 3 hours every day to get to work, where I’d be working less, but filling my time with various activities (like writing, crafting, volunteering), saving money to go to school next year.

But God said, “stop dicking around, jenn. get to it!” and now I’m going to work with my nanny family until the end of june, take July off and work on fundraising for Uganda, relaxing and hanging. August will be spent travelling, then I’ll hopefully be attending college full time in the fall.

Life will be totally different in about two months, and then again in two more months. I’m not sure how I feel about that.