resentment

There is so much to be resentful about. To God, for allowing sin in this world; to my dad, for dying when I was so young; to people who have hurt and betrayed me; the list goes on.

This morning, my 2-year-old nanny boy was yelling at me to stop talking when I was trying (calmly, I thought) to explain to him why he couldn’t play with the CD player’s plug in his room. I put him in his bed for a time out, and left thinking that I had two choices.

1) Stay angry and make the rest of the day miserable;

2) Get over myself. Realize he’s only almost three years old and didn’t yell at me because he hates me.

After seeing these two choices and their consequences so clearly, I realized how deeply resentment affects us. Recently I had a huge argument with my roommate, and it doesn’t look good for our future. We have been friends for almost eight years, but I can’t foresee a future for us anymore. In the midst of our argument, I could only see two options (because although I was willing to compromise, she wasn’t, so it was all or nothing):

1) She would resent me; or

2) I would resent her.

Somehow, it is easier for me to deal with my anger towards her than having her be angry towards me. I hate the way our situation has turned out, and either way it would have been difficult. What’s done is done, however, and I have to deal with the consequences (a.k.a., do what I said I’d do), and work through my emotions. I am consumed by frustration (for not being understood) and anger (for how she talked about me to other people by not telling the whole truth to people she told the situation to, thus making me out to be a tool).  I have two choices.

1) Be like Saul, and let me resentment and anger destroy me.

2) Be like David, and let God bring me through this.

It’s important to remember that forgiveness doesn’t mean you have to submit to the offender again. It doesn’t mean you have to be best friends with them. Yes, you have to be kind (love your enemies, anyone?), yes you have to treat them with respect (everyone deserves respect), but that doesn’t mean I have to talk to her, be friends with her on facebook, or anything. I will keep my distance, and hopefully it won’t effect my social life too much (it has affected two of our mutual friends, as they took her side and the three of them couldn’t understand my position).

But if I let resentment towards her (and towards the aforementioned two friends) build up and consume me, I will lose my joy and contentment that I once held so dear. Maybe this is why I have been struggling in the joy department this past year. Maybe moving out and being free from her will allow me to blossom again.

What’s done is done. I have to let it go, or I will lose myself. I have to say goodbye, or I will keep resenting her.

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